i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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