Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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