I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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