just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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