just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
