After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
