Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So vagazzling was a success
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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