Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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