we're chasing vodka with high fives
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
