I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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