My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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