i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
