I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
