what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
