I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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