Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
