Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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