I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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