Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
