I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
