I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
