I'm so fucking centered right now
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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