god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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