Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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