Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
