Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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