the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
this will be a night to untag.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
