dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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