How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
