I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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