Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
