dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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