I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You made out with two different species that night
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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