Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
