I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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