my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
