wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
