not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
