I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
