Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
