your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
