I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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