her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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