I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
