just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
