i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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