please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
