How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
