So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
