Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
