went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
